Practice, Practice, Practice...

I've been pretty burned out at work as of late (no surprise to anyone really).

My wife has lamented "I remember when you loved your job", and there was a time when I felt that I was really doing something worthwhile in nursing.

For a very long time, I felt frustrated with the amount of patient care I got to do versus the amount of time doing paperwork I had to do. I joked that I had stopped being a nurse a long time ago and now I was just a scribe.

This had been the status quo for a long time, and I had made peace with it rationalizing that it was a price I had to pay in order to have those precious moments of actually being able to "do nursing"; to actually be able to care for, connect with, and make a difference with a patient.

Recently, however, those moments have been getting fewer and farther between. The space between taken up by individuals that were using the hospital for a hotel (3 hots and a cot) by uttering those magic words "I'm going to kill myself", or those using the hospital to get their fix of what ever they were addicted to and had no intention of seeking treatment.

The most consistent cure I've seen for suicidal ideation and command hallucinations is "check day". When the SSI checks come out.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't that those individuals are so disruptive to the unit that I spend more time being the "policeman" for their game playing and limit testing that I can't take care of the really ill people.

Given the economy I've chosen to sit put for the time being. Now is not a time to be venturing out and making wholesale changes. The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but I know it's because of all the bullsh*t over there that makes the grass so lush (compost joke).

I am using each day as an opportunity for "Buddha practice"; being mindful of the act of doing an action, not being invested in the outcome. The feel of keys under my fingers as I endlessly type, the feel of the floor against my sneakers as I walked up and down the hall.

Some days it's easier than others.